


On the Road

by loveseek630



Series: Exes Baggage [1]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Broken Promises, M/M, Slice of Life, road to recovery, sort of happy ending i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 08:07:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16636100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveseek630/pseuds/loveseek630
Summary: Hakyeon promised to keep in touch after graduation, have a happy future together with his loved ones.But it turned out to be difficult when everyone was running towards their goals and he didn't even know which way to go.





	On the Road

**Author's Note:**

> Long-ass note here: This is a side story/continuation of [this textfic](https://twitter.com/NchantingU/status/1054614976390815744?s=19) and it would be great if you read it, however I tried my best to make it so that you don't need to read the textfic if you don't want to.  
> I'll put out a warning here that this fic probably hurts, but it's a road to recovery.
> 
> Also please listen to [Beautiful Pain](https://open.spotify.com/track/3zM2yi75oB3v00sZvWUzIn) while reading this. Would help your feelings. Maybe. haha  
> It's a one shot for now but it will be part of a series. So if you liked it, please watch out for the Exes Baggage Series.  
> 

It had been almost a year.

Hakyeon could still vividly remember Taekwoon and Jaehwan in their black graduation robes, very much similar to his except for the red lining on the collar to identify him as part of the Dance Department. He remembered Wonshik, Hongbin, and Sanghyuk, among their other friends, sitting at the back row of monoblock chairs squeezed in to the auditorium to accommodate the student body behind the proud parents and relatives of the graduates. He had hugged each of them tightly, with surprisingly less protests from Wonshik. He embraced them like it was his last. Because he knew it was the last.

 

He knew he was going to break all promises to stay in touch. It was a decision he made after months and months of thinking and still not finding an answer for himself. He was lost - had been feeling lost for months, probably almost a year by then.

  
  
Hakyeon and Taekwoon enrolled in the university a year late after Taekwoon suffered an injury from his final soccer match in high school. His physical and psychological recovery took a while, with Hakyeon staying by his side to comfort him through the devastation that he would never be able to play professionally again. It may have sounded dumb at the time, but for Hakyeon, it was an excuse for him to rest. His parents had always been supportive of whatever he wanted to do, which he greatly appreciated, but it also made him feel great pressure. His whole life was up to him, all the decisions to be made by him, all responsibilities to be borne solely by him. It was liberating, but terrifying at the same time. He liked being in control of himself, but the high expectations of the people around him also greatly weighed him down each time he took a wrong turn.

  
  
The disappointment in his parents eyes spoke louder to him than their encouraging words when he told them he would be transferring from the music to the dance department. He took a year off with Taekwoon to rest and think carefully of the path he wanted to take and yet there he was, a year into college, and suddenly changing his mind, wanting to major in dance instead of pursuing music together with Taekwoon. They probably thought it was all due to the breakup, but it wasn't. Hakyeon loved Taekwoon, but his world never revolved around him. His life decisions never involved Taekwoon because he never wanted to share the weight of his burden with him. Taekwoon already had too much in his plate and Hakyeon did not want to add to it.

  
  
He enrolled in music because he thought that was what he wanted, and he was good at singing. But being surrounded by more exceptional singers made Hakyeon realize that he wasn't good enough for it to define his career path. He decided to do what he did best - dancing. He had always known he was a better dancer than he was a singer, and he really loved dancing too. He just initially did not want to make it a career because he wanted it as something to just enjoy and not something he needed to do for a living. Yet there he scrambled to fix his papers, not really sure if he was making the right decision, but he knew he had to go somewhere and make up for his parents' disappointment.

  
  
A few more couple of years and wrong decisions later, Hakyeon once again found himself stuck. He loved every moment he spent dancing and his department was nothing but fantastic. He spent half of his university life just enjoying what he was doing, falling in love, and getting wasted from parties here and there. But then life caught up to him and he realized he himself had some catching up to do. He wasn't like Taekwoon or Jaehwan who had their eyes set on the musical industry years before they even entered college. He wasn't like Wonshik who had passion for writing songs and producing music, nor Hongbin who had the guts to go against his father's wishes and do photography instead of business administration.

  
  
Hakyeon simply loved to dance, but what would he do about it? He had nothing. No goals. No ambitions. No plans. He had his eyes set on graduating as soon as possible so he could stop being a burden to his parents but what was his plan after graduation?

  
  
"Don't think too hard," Wongeun told him once. "There's a bunch of things you could do."

  
"Yeah, like what?"

  
  
"How about dance troupes? Theater? Or maybe teaching dance?" There was indeed so much that Wongeun could probably enumerate every job that involved dancing, but nothing would sound right to Hakyeon. He just felt more at loss.

  
  
"Hey," Wongeun pulled him into a hug, rubbing his arms gently as if it would shake off Hakyeon's anxieties. "It's okay.  Just do what you have to do first and when you find out what you want, you can always just change your path."

  
  
Hakyeon appreciated it, but it did not really help much. He didn't like the feeling of having no direction set in front of him. And he didn't want to keep worrying Wongeun about the same concern over and over again when Wongeun had been nothing but supportive. So Hakyeon just kept himself busy, chasing after all the courses he needed to take, wearing himself down with his part time jobs and then flopping down on his bed at midnight, sleeping for a few hours until he had to wake up again for another class. He applied for a couple of full time jobs and received some offers but he really couldn’t accept any of it because they didn’t feel right to him.

  
  
It wasn't that he didn't want to see his friends, or even Wongeun. It just made him feel worse about himself, hearing them talk about their goals while he had no idea what to do. Despite that, he couldn't bear not to show up when he heard Taekwoon had sunk so low because of his failed auditions. Everyone was expecting Hakyeon to come and save the day. That was just the kind of person he was. He would drop anything he was doing if any one of his friends needed someone to rely on, even if he didn't feel like he could stand solid on his own two feet.

  
  
"So now that Taekwoon is feeling better, are you going to keep yourself busy again?" He walked Wongeun out of the bar after celebrating Taekwoon and Jaehwan’s successful recruitment. He thought it would be nice to stay behind and spend a little more time with the friends he missed for months.

  
  
"Now I know how Hongbin felt before," Wongeun paused and glanced at him, though quickly retracted his gaze to just stare at the road. "You just can't say no to your friends, can you?"

  
  
"Hey," Hakyeon frowned. He knew he had been unfair to Wongeun, but Hakyeon somehow expected him to understand. "I'm sorry I haven't been around much, but it wasn't because I didn't want to see you. If I knew you needed me to be there, I would have come to you too. You know that, right?"

  
  
"No, I don't, actually." There was a taste of bitterness in his tongue. Wongeun wasn't sure if it was just leftover of the few bottles he drank or just the nagging complaints he had been suppressing for a while now. "Just like I didn't know that you were planning to go to Changwon after graduation."

  
  
Hakyeon's eyes widened with shock. He reached out to hold Wongeun's hand but the latter stepped back. "Wongeun..."

  
"Your sister called earlier. You were busy hugging the life out of Jaehwan so I took the liberty to answer your phone. She said the school is set on having you there."

  
  
"You told me to try teaching." Hakyeon tried to explain. "I wasn't trying to hide it from you. I just didn't want to tell you until I was accepted in to the job because I didn't want you to worry unnecessarily."

  
  
"I wouldn't worry if I knew you had been preparing for it. What worries me is that you've barely talked to me for weeks and now I find out that you're going off somewhere far without telling me. I feel like you're slipping off my hands and you'll just disappear without warning."

  
  
"I won't do that! Not to you!" Hakyeon didn't mean to yell, but all his frustrations were building up and seeing Wongeun get mad at him did not help calm him down. "I know I've been selfish and aloof lately, but it's not like I haven't told you all my worries before! I just can't stand being around people right now, seeing you all prepare for your futures while I'm still stuck running in circles."

  
  
"Did it ever occur to you that you’re part of the future I'm preparing for?"

  
  
The words bit Hakyeon cold in the face. It hurt him to hear the pain in Wongeun's voice and it hurt that he couldn't find any answer to that question within himself. He had been so self-absorbed that he didn't even think of the person he loved the most - the person who was willing to love him from a distance and let him live a happy life. The person who supported him in everything he did without putting pressure on his shoulders like his parents did. He loved Wongeun so much but it just hit him that he had only been thinking of his future, without considering where it would put Wongeun in his life.

  
  
Hakyeon could only stand frozen as he watched Wongeun walk away from him without another word. Tears were threatening to fall from his eyes but Hakyeon did his best to blink them back. He wasn't going to cry there on the sidewalk, right outside Taekwoon and Jaehwan's party. They were supposed to be celebrating for their futures.

  
  
Except Hakyeon felt like he had no future. He only had an empty road to walk, with no destination. Blindly walking forward was all that was really left for him to do.

 

**-=o0o=-**

 

"Hyung," Sanghyuk found him sitting by the Dance Department's back garden, sobbing in the dark while clutching his knees close to his chest.

  
  
Hakyeon quickly wiped his face and did his best to look as okay as he could be, even though he knew it was too late. Sanghyuk had already seen him breaking down.

  
  
"I'm sorry," Hakyeon said as he stood up. "Were you looking for me? Did I freak Hongbin out?" Hakyeon sighed at his luck. Of all people who could have heard them fighting, it just had to be Hongbin whom he broke up with because he fell in love with Wongeun.

 

Like with Taekwoon, it took a while before Hakyeon and Hongbin became friends again after their breakup. They still weren’t even back to the same level of closeness they used to have and it occasionally gets awkward between them, but they were good friends. It was embarrassing, not just to be seen fighting with his current boyfriend, but also because Wongeun even mentioned Hongbin in the argument. Hakyeon knew Hongbin was worried for him as a friend, but he could only be thankful that it was Sanghyuk who found him.

   
"It's fine, hyung," Sanghyuk placed his hands on either side of Hakyeon's shoulders and pushed to sit him down on the bench again. "You don't need to tell me what happened. Just let it out if you need to. I'll just be here."

  
There was a huge lump in Hakyeon's throat. His vision went completely blurred as his tears instantly found their way back up to his eyes upon hearing Sanghyuk's words.

  
Hakyeon just felt so tired and vulnerable, and god if he didn't feel so ashamed of himself. He was a couple of years older than Sanghyuk, yet there he was, looking so small next to Sanghyuk's broad frame, ducking his head against the younger's chest and clinging on to him for support as if his life depended on it. He never asked, but even Sanghyuk probably had some plans for his future too - unlike himself. Hakyeon just felt himself shrink smaller next to Sanghyuk, but he greatly appreciated that Sanghyuk did not pry or try to make him talk. He just sat there holding Hakyeon in his arms, occasionally planting a peck on the top of his head.

  
  
It really didn't solve anything, but Hakyeon at least felt lighter by the time Sanghyuk walked him back to his apartment. He probably had been bottling far too many things inside him than he could handle, and crying it all out somehow prepared him to take them on again. He was, at the very least, calm enough to face Wongeun again, who instantly regretted walking away from him and decided to wait outside his door the whole night.

  
  
A couple of apologies, hugs, and kisses later, they just lay together on his bed, staring at the ceiling while holding each other's hands.

  
"I want a future with you," Hakyeon said.

  
Wongeun turned his head to look at him. He raised a hand to caress Hakyeon's cheek and Hakyeon just hummed quietly, closing his eyes at the touch.

  
  
"Me too," Wongeun smiled. "You have always been my future, you know? And I'll just be here for you."

  
  
They were determined to make it work. Wongeun still pushed Hakyeon to teach dance, even if it meant he had to go far south while he stayed in Seoul and continue with his own life - his own career.

  
  
And they did make it work, at least for a while. Despite Hakyeon's insistence to avoid his other friends because he still felt insecure and emotionally unprepared for  the most mundane questions of "How are you doing?", "What have you been up to?", and "How's life after graduating?", he still made sure to at least keep his promise to Wongeun. He didn't go all the way up to Seoul, but they made arrangements to meet halfway from time to time.

  
  
Unfortunately, love and determination did not suffice for either of them to keep going. Nightly phone conversations slowly turned from something they looked forward to every night, to something that was just a habit. Their conversations went from sharing their most detailed daily activities, to just checking if they got home safely. Seeing each other once in a while started to become a hassle as Wongeun started gaining attention as an actor and getting more offers. At some point, Hakyeon considered giving up his job and just running back to Seoul just to be with his love.

  
  
But Hakyeon was starting to get happy with himself. Teaching was not exactly a passion, and it could get just as stressful sometimes, but Hakyeon was getting used to it. It was barely a job. He made just enough money for himself since he was teaching for a foundation and his work was almost charity. His parents thought he could do much better somewhere else with better compensation packages but they kept supporting him anyway. The kids he taught were not people who chose dancing for their career path or even just a hobby. He was teaching kids who did not have a single idea about dancing and were just hoping to find something that could give them hope and maybe have a passion for. And so, Hakyeon felt a huge sense of accomplishment whenever at least one or two of his students started to love dancing just as much as he did. He was also starting to get attached to the feeling of pride whenever his students showed leaps of improvements, regardless of how they actually felt about dancing.

  
  
Promises of a future together slowly fade into the background while they each grew individually as young adults and get much further apart from each other. Eventually, less to Hakyeon's surprise but still much to his heartache, he and Wongeun mutually ended their relationship after Wongeun traveled all the way South to Changwon and they spent one last blissful night together.

  
It took a few more months in solitude, weeping about his heartbreak and still drowning himself in self-doubt, before Hakyeon was able to settle within himself. He started enjoying teaching more, kept himself busy with yet more part time jobs, and occasionally found himself giving much needed advice to his younger students.

  
  
He missed his friends. Greatly. He longed for Taekwoon's arm around his shoulder, Sanghyuk's friendly but occasionally overly hard pat on his back, Jaehwan's playful punches on his arms. He missed Wonshik's constant whining about his need for skinship, Jaehwan's unwavering aegyo, Hongbin and Taekwoon's teasing, and Sanghyuk's clever comebacks. He missed even the occasional awkwardness between him and Hongbin whenever their past relationship was brought up. He missed being around the people he cared about and who cared about him.

  
Hakyeon wondered if they hated him now, after suddenly just cutting off all contact without even saying proper goodbye. The first few weeks, he continued receiving texts from Jaehwan, asking when he would visit so they could squeeze it into their busy schedule and hang out with him. Hakyeon couldn't bring himself to reply, because just the fact that Jaehwan was incredibly busy preparing for his first musical made Hakyeon feel even more lousy about himself. Hakyeon decided to change his number and log out of all his SNS accounts. Of course, he still saved their contacts and hoped that one day, when he was ready, he would be able to reach them again.

  
It wasn't that he was bitter, nor even just slightly envious. It was never his friends' fault that they were happy with their own respective lives and Hakyeon was lonely with his. He was happy for them and damn he was incredibly proud of their achievements. He had no doubt that Jaehwan and Taekwoon would be successful in their careers, and even the younger ones had so much potential in them they would probably be getting job offers left and right when they graduate. He just felt like it would make him feel less stagnant if he didn't have to see the fast pace they were achieving their goals while he still had no goal of his own.

  
Eventually, he learned to accept that maybe he didn't need to have much direction. There was nothing wrong with just wandering aimlessly, though there was not much fulfillment either. Hakyeon convinced himself that he didn't need to be like everyone else, and once he got it ingrained in his head, he started feeling better about himself. A few months was not long enough to touch many lives, but in that short time he was teaching at the foundation, he found that maybe it was enough for him to be someone people would just pass by. There was a chance that maybe he could nudge them a little towards a direction of their own. And if he stayed where he was, maybe they would one day remember him and return to find him right where they left him.

  
  
He was ready to accept this fate. Live in resigned content for the rest of his life, until an unexpected encounter suddenly pushed him forward.

  
  
When Hakyeon heard that an idol group would be visiting the foundation, he did not expect anyone too famous. Changwon was not the most well-off community and the foundation did not really have enough resources to get someone big for their fundraising events. So it was a huge surprise for Hakyeon when his kids started screaming during their rehearsal performance as a group of good looking guys entered their practice room and introduced themselves as the idol group who will be performing for their event.

  
Hakyeon stood mesmerized for a second. Idols were indeed another level, not just in terms of looks but also in demeanor. Hakyeon could tell that those guys had been trained well to handle so much attention no matter where they were.

  
  
It started as a casual conversation, with the director introducing Hakyeon and his kids to the group, giving an overview of how the event will flow, and asking Hakyeon to show what they had been preparing for the event. Hakyeon gathered the kids around to put on their best, even teasing some of them to try to impress their beloved oppas. And then it was Hakyeon's turn. After the kids’ performance, he was to dance with a few other teachers to some traditional music which he slightly altered to make a contemporary rendition.

  
Next thing he knew, one of the idol group members was walking with him down the hall on the way to his office, asking more details about the event. Hakyeon, though patiently answering all his questions, stopped walking by the front of his office door and quirked a brow.

  
"Sorry, was I annoying you?"

  
  
"No," Hakyeon answered. "I just find it strange that you're the only one asking questions while your members are out there playing with the kids."

  
  
"I'm their leader. I'm trying to know as much as I can so I can guide them better."

  
  
"I'm just a teacher. I'm not actually in-charge of the event."

  
  
"You answered everything just fine."

  
  
Hakyeon sighed. "Well, is there anything else you'd like to ask?"

  
"Yeah, actually, there is."

  
  
Hakyeon felt his heart flutter slightly, seeing a faint blush color the fine man's face, eyes almost disappearing in crescent curves while he smiled from ear to ear.

  
  
"Would you happen to be free tonight?"

 

**-=o0o=-**

  
Despite keeping track of the latest dance trends, Hakyeon never really paid attention to idol groups. He would watch lots of performances but never really bothered to remember their names. He did know Lee Jinki, though. Everyone probably did. Hakyeon wouldn't call himself a fan of the group, but he loved hearing those beautiful drama soundtracks with Jinki's warm, comforting voice.

  
  
He was greatly flattered, having gotten the attention of someone so popular. (Though he was suddenly reminded of how Hongbin used to say Hakyeon was too popular for him). He would be lying if he said he didn't feel any kind of attraction, because damn the man was adorable and hot at the same time. But the group just stayed in Changwon for two nights, the second being the night of the charity concert. It wasn't enough time for Hakyeon to fall in love again, but it was definitely enough for a quick hook-up.

  
  
"Did you ever consider becoming an idol?" Jinki sat on his bed the first night, buttoning up his shirt while Hakyeon just lazily pulled up a blanket over himself. "You're hot and you dance so well. With that kind of stage presence, I'm sure you'd be instantly popular."

  
"Not my thing," Hakyeon answered flatly. "The bright lights are tempting but when I think of the trade off, it's not worth it. Besides, groups debuting now are mostly teenagers. I'm too old for that."

  
  
"You're not that old. You'd probably be automatically designated as a leader." Jinki smiled when he saw Hakyeon's face scrunch at the thought. "But yeah, the trade off is a little difficult. If we were in Seoul, I probably wouldn't have been able to casually walk into your apartment like this. I’d need to make sure no one sees us."

  
"Lucky I've exiled myself to this town then," Hakyeon chuckled, finally sitting up as well.

  
Jinki paused from dressing up and just stared at him with slight confusion on his face. "Exiled? Were you not originally from here?"

  
"Nah," Hakyeon waved his hand in dismissal. "This is my hometown. I did live in Seoul for a long time though... I studied there before I came here to teach."

  
  
"No plans of going back?"

  
  
"Not sure if there's anything for me there."

  
  
"If you want to keep teaching, I know someone who runs a school."

  
  
Hakyeon gave him a pursed smile, which Jinki somehow managed to understand.

  
"Ah, it's not the job. Is there someone you left behind there?"

  
"Quite a few friends," Hakyeon sighed, suddenly missing his dear friends once again. He grabbed his shirt from where he had dumped it at the edge of his bed. Jinki had also resumed dressing up and was almost ready to go, but he just stood at the side of the bed, hands inside his pockets as he stared at Hakyeon in curiosity.

  
He didn't ask, and Hakyeon was grateful because he wasn't sure how he could lie about his quarter-life crisis to someone like Jinki, who was probably living his successful idol dream.

  
"It's a shame," Jinki finally said. "I just met you today and I'd like to see you again some time. You probably have friends in Seoul who would want to see you again too."

  
"Are you trying to convince me to go back to Seoul just so we could hook up again?"

  
"Maybe," Jinki grinned. "Seriously, though. Your skills deserve more recognition. I know a lot of people who would be interested to work with you."

  
Hakyeon let out a quiet laugh. He dressed up enough to walk Jinki out of his door but he did not bother seeing him out of the building. It wasn't a good idea to be seen together at that wee hour of the night anyway.

**-=o0o=-**

 

Hakyeon didn’t think of it much until the second night, when Jinki suddenly pulled him behind the curtains after his performance.

 

“What are you doing?! The kids might see us!” Hakyeon whispered in exasperation. “Heck, anyone could see us!”

 

But Jinki just grinned with his damn adorable happy face and Hakyeon had to wonder if he even sees anything with through the tiny slits of his eyes. He slipped a hand around Hakyeon’s waist, fidgeting with the silk belt of his traditional robe. “I’m not sure I’ll have the time after the concert. They said we’re going back to Seoul afterwards.”

 

“Oh,” Hakyeon was not really surprised. If anything, he found it stranger that the group went there a day early instead of just coming on the day of the concert to perform and leaving right away.

 

Jinki pulled the curtain closer to make sure they were fully covered before leaning forward to kiss Hakyeon.

 

Just when Hakyeon started kissing back, they heard Jinki’s manager wandering backstage and looking for him. They pulled back at the same time, with Jinki sighing and Hakyeon biting his lower lip in a mix of regret and frustration.

 

“If you ever change your mind and go back to Seoul, give me a call.” Jinki pulled a small note from his pocket and then slipped it inside Hakyeon’s robe. He gave a small wink before slipping out of the curtain.

  
Hakyeon waited for a while before going out too. Jinki had gone onstage with his group for their performance so Hakyeon hurriedly went to the side where he could watch them. He felt the corner of Jinki’s note poking on his chest, so he took it out and read what was written.

 

The handwriting was a little messy that Hakyeon had to wonder if he was reading the right numbers. There was, however, a tiny doodle of a man underneath, which he recognized as Jinki through the tiny slanted eyes and kissy face. Hakyeon smiled as he turned his gaze back on the stage where the group was singing a ballad.

 

He wouldn’t go back to Seoul just to hook up with an idol. But Jinki’s words from the previous night suddenly rang inside his head.

 

_Would his friends want to see him again too?_

 

Suddenly, the soft, mellow song was over and the music had changed to a more lively jam. Hakyeon bobbed his head in sync with his students as well as the rest of the audience as they watched the group dance to their most popular song. Jinki wasn’t the best dancer, but his movements were sharp and accurate. Hakyeon could tell exactly whenever his focus slipped and he became a little clumsy, but he could recover very quickly and still keep their performance look clean.

 

It was then that a realization dawned on Hakyeon. Teaching had made him sharper and more observant that he could nitpick everything wrong in a performance from a distance, even without consciously trying to do so.

 

_Your skills deserve more recognition. I know a lot of people who would be interested to work with you._

 

Hakyeon suddenly felt chills down his spine. He looked down to read Jinki’s note again and noticed something more hastily written on the lower corner. It was a name of a school - A prestigious one that Hakyeon also considered applying to before, when Wongeun first suggested he tried teaching.

 

Suddenly, his heart was thumping really loudly and he could feel blood rushing into his head. He had not felt such excitement for so long. He never really felt too passionate about teaching until that moment. He wasn’t sure what changed but he knew he suddenly wanted to do it.

 

He didn’t get to talk to Jinki again that night, nor on the days that followed. He decided to look up some schools that might suit his style and interests better, although he also did try to apply for the school Jinki wrote on the note.

 

He needed to take at least two trips to Seoul for his interview and demo. It felt like he was some wanted criminal for trying to hide and avoid his friends the whole time, but he didn’t want them to see him without definitely landing a job first. He waited another week to hear about the results and ended up getting three job offers. For a moment, he considered biting on to the prestige of a big school, but he decided to let go of Jinki’s recommendation and chose a smaller, albeit still popular arts and performance school.

 

It saddened him to say goodbye to the foundation, but even the director gave him a firm push on the back, saying they always knew he was meant for greater things. “You’d be able to help us more once you’re making lots of money,” they joked on his last day at work. Hakyeon laughed and cried as he bid goodbye to his kids. He had thought of them as his family and he was grateful for the time he spent with them. He needed that break to just rest and heal himself. Now, he felt like he was ready to go back.

 

**-=o0o=-**

 

So there he was, standing at the express bus terminal, suddenly wondering if it was right for him to go back. His anxieties were slowly creeping back to him, but he shook his head and held his luggage firmly, telling himself there was nowhere else to go but forward.

 

Hakyeon just tried to get settled in his new apartment first, hoping to brush his anxieties along with the dirt he washed off from his bathroom tiles. He swept every nook of his room and arranged all of his things on his desks and inside his cabinets.

 

When he had done everything he could have possibly done and rearranged all the things that bothered him (maybe two or ten times), he finally let himself lie down on his bed and check his phone. Now that he wasn’t using any social media sites or talking to anyone else, the only thing he expected to receive were messages from his mom.

 

He still didn’t give any of his friends a call. He was afraid if any of them would even answer. He tried to hold back on calling Jinki as well, not really sure how he would explain why he rejected the job offer from the school director who was apparently Jinki’s uncle. To his surprise though, there was a missed call and a message from an unknown number.

 

Apparently, Jinki got Hakyeon’s number from his uncle - a violation of his privacy, Jinki guiltily admitted and apologized for although Hakyeon was not really offended. Somehow, Hakyeon felt like he was starring in a romantic drama, suddenly getting involved with a popular idol like that. Except they were far from romantic.

 

Jinki was obviously interested, and truthfully, Hakyeon was too. But neither really tried to take their relationship past random text messages and secretive hook-ups whenever Jinki could slip it into his busy schedule. It was just a mutual understanding that Jinki couldn’t commit to a serious relationship and Hakyeon never really expected him to. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for it anyway.

 

Things took more interesting turns for him as he started his new life. Before he started teaching, his school required him to attend a pre-semester orientation for new teachers and one of the facilitators who was also going to be his co-teacher invited him to the ice rink.

 

“Do you know anything about figure skating?”

 

“Other than it’s pretty to watch and that I’d fall on the ice on my butt if I tried, not much, really.”

 

“Ahhh, shame,” his co-teacher replied. “One of the incoming fourth year students is also an athlete who competes in a local figure skating contest but their team is having a problem with her routine. It’s not school-related, but I thought a dance teacher would be able to help her.”

 

“I probably won’t be of much help, but I’d like to see her routine if I could.” What he meant was just that he was interested to watch. Hakyeon didn’t expect to suddenly have a job as a part-time coach when he couldn’t even skate properly without holding on to someone. As it turned out, the routine involved was something he could very well help with, since the team wanted a touch of both traditional and contemporary Korean culture in their routines. He couldn’t help with the technical aspects of turns and jumps, but Hakyeon was very much into assisting with the aesthetic side of it all.

 

He also took the chance to learn skating properly, for a hobby, and possibly for more job opportunities in the future. Hakyeon suddenly found himself interested in a lot of things, wanting to try everything new after almost a year of keeping himself in a shell. It was a breath of fresh air, being back in the metro and having so many things going on around him. Hakyeon was happy and thrilled.

 

At least until he ran across his old life again.

 

It was bound to happen, sooner or later. Seoul was big but the circle of artists and the industry they chose for themselves were very closely knitted. Hakyeon just wished it would happen later, and he hoped with all his heart that it wouldn’t be one of his exes. Taekwoon would most definitely be mad at him and Hongbin could get just really awkward sometimes. He preferred it be Jaehwan or Sanghyuk.

 

Unfortunately for him, it happened quite soon before his first teaching semester even started. It was a weekend and his student would finally be competing with the routine Hakyeon helped enhance. He watched at the bleachers like a proud father, cheering loudly when she passed the preliminaries and was selected for the finals the next day. Right before he went down to congratulate his athlete, he caught a glimpse of one of the photographers at the side of the rink. He wasn’t able to see the face behind the camera, but he knew for sure who it was. He would never forget that side profile and those tiny hands.

 

Hakyeon froze for a moment. It was stupid, feeling like he needed to run and hide. It wasn’t like he did something wrong (well, other than cutting off contact). He didn’t understand why he felt that way too, but he felt like he wasn’t ready for it yet, so instead of going down to meet his student by the rink, Hakyeon bid goodbye to his co-coach and ran out of the stadium.

 

It took about an hour phone call with Jinki that night to calm his nerves. Jinki still wouldn’t ask him anything about his past, or why he didn’t want to see his friends again (he felt like he didn’t need to pry because they weren’t in _/that/_ kind of relationship) but he gave Hakyeon enough encouragement and soothing words to stop him from rambling senseless things.

 

“Do you want to see them again?”

 

“I do,” Hakyeon admitted. “I just don’t know if I can.”

 

“I’m sure you can.” It must be the deep, solid voice - Hakyeon felt like it was more convincing coming from Jinki rather than when he said it to himself. “They are your friends. I’m sure they missed you too.”

 

Before he went to sleep, Hakyeon decided he would try better should he have the chance to see his friends again. And though he expected to see Hongbin again the next day for the skating finals, he didn’t expect that Hongbin would be the first one to approach him.

 

“Cha Hakyeon!”

 

Hakyeon tensed up as he heard the familiar voice. He turned to find Hongbin standing behind him, heavy camera hanging on his neck with the support of his small hands, dimples popping as he smiled at Hakyeon.

 

Hongbin was less awkward than Hakyeon expected. Of course he asked what happened to Hakyeon and why he just disappeared, but as soon as he saw the discomfort on Hakyeon’s face, he immediately pedaled back and changed the subject. Hongbin had always been sensitive and avoided awkward topics. It used to frustrate Hakyeon how Hongbin was always passive about everything but in his current situation, it was a relief. Despite Hakyeon’s anxieties, it was easy to slip back into their old dynamics with Hongbin’s well-meaning teasing and good-natured sarcasm.

 

Apparently, Hongbin had already finished his course and had started working as a photographer for a local news outlet even before his graduation ceremony. He was covering the skating contest and had seen Hakyeon the previous day but did not have the chance to approach him. Just as he was about to ask how Hakyeon was doing, the latter’s phone started ringing.

 

It was Jinki. They had plans to meet each other that night, but his schedule got distorted and he wanted to meet earlier.

 

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” Hakyeon said apologetically.

 

“Sure, no worries, hyung,” Hongbin replied. “Would you keep in touch though?”

 

Hakyeon felt like all the air was knocked out of him when he heard the question. It hurt because he knew that look of worry on Hongbin’s face, and he felt bad that he wasn’t even sure of how he would answer.

 

“At least get my number?” Hongbin added.

 

Hakyeon took a deep breath and forcefully swallowed the lump on his throat. “Is it the same as before?”

 

“Yeah. Same number. Same email. You can reach me however.”

 

“Okay,” Hakyeon smiled. “I’ll text you later.”

 

Hakyeon stared at the ceiling as he lay on the bed. It was weird, thinking of Hongbin right as Jinki was cuddling with him, but he couldn’t help feeling both touched and relieved how Hongbin tried to reconnect with him.

 

“How did it go?” Jinki asked after a while.

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“Did you see your friend again?”

 

“Ahh, yeah. He talked to me first, and told me to keep in touch.”

 

Jinki grinned. He slipped his hand under Hakyeon’s neck and then played with the ends of his hair. “See, I told you.”

 

“I missed him,” Hakyeon suddenly blurted out.

 

Jinki stared at him, eyebrow quirking a little. Hakyeon realized how he must have sounded, so he added, “ I miss them a lot.”

 

“You’re reconnecting then?”

 

“Hopefully,” Hakyeon answered in earnest. His teaching semester hasn’t started yet and a part of him regretted going back to Seoul a little too early, but he was also happy to have found new hobbies and having seen Hongbin by chance. Still, he was anxious of a lot of things. Would he do great at his new job? Would he keep liking it as he thought he would? What if he didn’t like teaching after all? What if it was all just an impulse? Or if he just got too comfortable with teaching and he would get tired of it later on? What if his other friends didn’t want to reconnect? What if they don’t like Hakyeon anymore? Were they already too successful for them to care about Hakyeon who was just starting with his life?

 

There was a sudden flick of pain on his forehead. Hakyeon groaned as he rubbed the red spot. Jinki did not even use his dominant hand and his flick still hurt a lot.

 

“You’re thinking too much again.”

 

“Just do what you want to do. Try to live in the moment.”

 

“That’s really easier said than done,” Hakyeon replied, still nursing his forehead. “But thank you,” he smiled. “I’ll do my best.”

 

**-=o0o=-**

 

 _I didn’t expect you to actually text me. I thought you would go back into hiding,_ Hongbin replied to his text.

 

It stung. Just a tiny bit. He knew it wouldn’t be easy to trust his words after he last promised to keep in touch in their old group chat. He even typed it in capslock too. Thankfully, Hongbin was nothing but supportive to help him reconnect with the others. Hakyeon was a nervous wreck, but Hongbin waited patiently until he was at least ready to be invited to their new group chat.

 

Hakyeon was the one who first made a group chat with all six of them. Now they had their own chat with just five members, because he was dumb and insecure and couldn’t keep up with life.

 

_I’ll ask them if I could invite you to the chatroom, if you want to._

 

Of course Hakyeon wanted to. Would the others agree, though? He wasn’t sure if he was ready for the rejection if they said no.

 

_HYUNG!!!_

 

_HAKYEON HYUNG!!! WHERE THE FCK HAVE YOU BEEN_

 

Just as he expected, Jaehwan and Sanghyuk were warm and welcoming, not afraid to say that they missed him, and directly telling him that they worried so much about him while he was gone.

 

Also as expected, Taekwoon was mad at him - or at least as Hongbin put it, he was pretending to be mad at Hakyeon. Of all his friends, Taekwoon knew him the longest. They dated for about three years and despite the initial falling out, they eventually became very close friends again. Taekwoon considered Hakyeon as one of his best friends and he probably was the one who got most hurt when Hakyeon broke his promise and disappeared without a trace.

 

Still, it was endearing how Taekwoon was obviously mad but also clinging on to the idea of his return. Wonshik, on the other hand, did not even engage on the chat, which came as a little surprise because Hakyeon expected him to be the one berating him for his actions.

 

When Jaehwan invited him to a party, Hakyeon almost cried. He wasn’t sure what was stopping him when he was certain he missed them all and he seriously wanted to see them again. He just maybe felt a little overwhelmed by the thought. It didn’t feel right for him to just waltz back into their lives and party like nothing happened. Another part of him was crumbling because only after a year of doing musicals, Jaehwan was already celebrating as he took another step to debut as an idol singer while Hakyeon was just about to start his actual career.

 

_You used to be the life of the party!_

 

Used to be. Hakyeon couldn’t help but flinch at Jaehwan’s words. He wondered how he could have changed so much from being full of life to barely hanging on every day.

 

He couldn’t be thankful enough that Hongbin proposed to just meet in a more intimate set-up, with just the six of them instead of going full house with Jaehwan’s party. He was maybe a little more emotionally capable of handling that.

 

_If you’re uncomfortable, you can tell us. We can schedule it another time. It’s okay, hyung._

 

Hakyeon was proud of how kind and sensible Hongbin had grown to be.  He was very immature when they first met, to the point that Hakyeon had to hunt him down in every PC bang in their area and drag his ass back to their university and stop him from dropping out that semester. He also used to be an insensitive brat who joked a little too often and may also have hurt Hakyeon with his jokes. But as time passed, he became the person who would call out Wonshik for crossing a line with his inappropriate humor. He became subtly protective of Hakyeon. They eventually started dating when Hongbin realized that Hakyeon was actually hitting on him and wasn’t just being his flirty self. Unfortunately, irreconcilable differences got in the way. Hakyeon used to be a social butterfly who spent a lot of time with his friends and Hongbin was a shut in gaming nerd. At some point, Hakyeon felt like he was being pushed out of Hongbin’s life (right when he was getting closer to Wongeun) and they couldn’t fit in within each other’s world anymore.

 

Ironically, it was now Hongbin who was paving his way back into his old life. It felt like Hongbin had taken him by the hand and was gently leading him back to his friends. It was just what Hakyeon needed. Despite his never ending anxieties, his friends were nothing short of wonderful and he couldn’t bare to not take the chance to see them again.

 

 _Text me your address and I’ll come to pick you up to make sure you get there._ It was something he didn’t expect Hongbin to say, but at that point, Hakyeon felt like there was a hand firmly holding him - one that wouldn’t let go no matter how hard Hakyeon tried to shy away from them.

 

Hakyeon bit back a smile. Trust issue jokes would probably be a thing now, but he couldn’t really blame his friends. It was a little guilt-tripping, but they would probably say anything to make sure Hakyeon would not disappear on them again.

 

_You don’t need to pick me up. I’ll be there._

 

And this time Hakyeon meant it as a promise. With all his heart.

 

**-=o0o=-**

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very personal piece to me, so if you relate to Hakyeon in this story, do hit me up. ^_^
> 
> Also comments on my typographical errors are welcome. I'm bad at spotting them when I try to proofread. :)


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